My Heart, His Words

Let the Words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your site, O Lord.


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A Not So Merry Christmas

As you know, this has been a very difficult year for me as I journey through the loss of my truth teller, business advisor, and Daddy. I miss him deeply, so although Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays, this year, it’s not quite as merry for me.

Then it dawned on me… the first Christmas ever, wasn’t really all that merry either!

Here’s Joseph and Mary journeying to Bethlehem via a donkey for miles on end, all while Mary is pregnant! Talk about a road trip, they had the ultimate road trip! (ha ha) Upon their arrival, they discover there is “no room in the inn”; so ended up in a dirty stable surrounded by stinky farm animals. Talk about disappointment and discomfort! Then to top it off, Mary goes into labor and gives birth to Jesus amidst the stink and filth of this barn.

And there it is: right smack dab in the middle of the chaos, discomfort, stink and dirt.
Beautiful LOVE is Born.
Jesus, God as Love in the flesh, came to earth to save us all!
isaiah-61-1-3

This realization helps put my life into perspective this Christmas. I might not be perfectly put together with a pretty bow, but nonetheless, I’m here. My heart beats on for the One who Created me and placed me here For Such a Time as This. My heart may hurt for a season, but God has amazing plans for me as I walk this journey of grief and allow Him to turn my mourning into joy. There truly is a season for everything and for now, my season is one of mourning and that’s not something to be ashamed of nor to hide! It’s reality and it’s part of the growth necessary to heal.

In due time God will turn my mourning into joy and my Christmases will return to Merry, but for now I embrace this time as I reflect on all that God has done in and through my Daddy’s life and now his legacy. He was an amazing and Godly man; passionate about Truth and justice and living life to the fullest while staying true to ones self.

Daddy, this Christmas, you get to sit next to the Savior of the world and bask in His presence, surrounded by His infinite love and wisdom. May we too be surrounded by that same Love and wisdom, compassion and joy as we enter a season that truly is about the One who loves us so much He humbled himself and came to earth to redeem us for all of eternity!  That truth is what makes Christmas Merry.

Wishing you and yours a blessed Christmas as you bask in God’s goodness and love.

love satin 2015


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God’s Provision Isn’t Always What We Expect It To Be

Last year I wrote about The Beauty Of God’s Provision and in my post I shared the promise God had given me regarding our business when we first started Pelfreybilt:

“I will provide. I will always provide.”

We are now in our fifth year of the business, with changes galore, including Tyler quitting his full-time job this year to work in our business full-time, as well as moving the business to a bigger facility.  Our sales have doubled every year and tripled last year, yet we still aren’t showing  a profit yet, so there are days when my faith is tested and I take God’s promise to Him questioning His provision.

In the past, money was always available just in time so bills were paid on time and I was reminded of God’s provision as I sighed a sigh of relief and gratitude.

This year, God apparently wanted to test and grow my faith because the funds haven’t always arrived in time for me to pay bills on time, which meant I had to make calls to our vendors asking for grace and extended terms. Through God’s mercy our vendors have been gracious and worked with us.  I have to be honest though, it was in those moments, when bills were late and I had to make those calls, that I cried out to God “You made me a promise! You said you would not only provide, but that you would always provide! You’ve never been late to deliver, so why are you late now? Did you forget about your promise?”  What He spoke in response cut deep to my core as He reminded me:

“I said I would provide and I did.
It just wasn’t the provision you expected.
Did I not soften the hearts of those who extended you terms?
That is provision; it just looks different than you expected!”

Wow, right? Talk about jaw dropping, heart stopping amazing truth!? God is amazing and He never ceases to amaze me as He continues to keep His promises to me and our family.

This lesson was one I’d never learned and one that sticks to me like glue now, so I am tremendously grateful for the testing of my faith in this area of my life!

As the year is quickly coming to an end, and I look back at all this 2016 chapter held, I am moved to tears. God is good regardless of the pain. Losing my Daddy, though the most painful thing I’ve experienced, has pushed me to a deeper faith in my walk with God as I put the truths my Daddy taught me into action:

Question everything and everyone-even God.
God is a God of Truth and He desires nothing more
than to give us the answers we seek if we will seek Him.

That said, whatever it is you may be questioning or seeking from God-don’t quit asking and don’t quit questioning Him! Some people are afraid to question God for fear of damnation, but my Daddy taught me to Question the Man with all the answers in order to have Truth only He can give and that’s how I choose to live my life! How about you?

So question on… but remember, the answer(s) may surprise you!

Blessings,

love satin 2015


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Go On Without Me

bigger than life-daddyToday is a rough day for me, as it would have been my Daddy’s 74th birthday, yet he’s celebrating his first birthday in Heaven, without me.

I’m a bundle of emotion as I think about his life; the good, the bad and the indifferent.

There’s a song by Bret Eldredge titled, “Go On Without Me” and the first time I heard it on the radio, I bawled my eyes out (and still do). The words hit home because it was as if my Daddy were singing them to me himself. I realize he wants me to go on without him, yet my heart hurts in doing so…

I cannot candy coat it for you or I would be flat out lying. The past four months have been living hell for me as I discover how lost I really feel without my Daddy here to share this life with me.  Truth is, I never imagined missing him this much, and yet I do. It’s amazing how little we realize the depth of our love for someone until they’re gone. I won’t go as far as to say that I took him for granted, because I was blessed with many intimate conversations with him and took every opportunity I had to share how much I love and respect him. However, there’s part of me that never gave him full credit for the impact he made on my heart and life, nor did I fully grasp just how much he meant to me, until now.

All of me aches for his strong hugs, the twinkle in his eyes when he laughed, the sound of him walking beside me, his voice & the passion in it when he was really driving a point home. Part of me is angry he left me here to live this life without him; as if he even had the choice to do so. Yet all of me knows he didn’t want to leave us, he told me that! However, he was confident we would be held in the best hands of our Father, so he left us for Heaven.

On my Daddy’s birthday, I wish I had some profound truth to share, some statement of passion to honor his life and make him proud, or even news of my personal growth during my journey of grief. However, honestly, all I have are tears from a broken heart missing her Daddy something fierce and longing for more time with him. I am told that time will heal this broken heart of mine, yet I’m starting to question whether it will ever hurt any less because simply said: he made a lasting impression on this daughter’s heart and the love I have for him runs deep into my core.  He will always be my Daddy and I will always be his little girl; for that I am immensely grateful.

So for now I shed many tears as I remember my Daddy with pride.  Today I honor the man who taught me what love looked like this side of Heaven. Today I smile as I think about his first birthday in our Father’s presence… it’s sure to be the best birthday ever for him… and one day I’ll get to celebrate alongside him again…

I miss you, Daddy; Happiest of Birthdays to you!

love satin 2015

 

God gave me you


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Finding The New Normal

God gave me you
{Mom and me}
We’re sitting across the table, eating dinner, enjoying a delicious meal accompanied with chatter, laughter, and even a few tears.

We talk about life, our days now, and then it turns to reminiscing on our life together with my Daddy, so consequently we shed some tears, because the truth is, we both miss him terribly. Yet we’re sitting at a new restaurant, trying new food and making new memories together, doing our best to embrace the “new normal”

What does the new normal look like after losing someone you love? I’m learning the answer to this, one day at a time, but from my perspective, the new normal is simply choosing to make new memories… even though it’s painful to do so, without the person you love and lost.

Guilt tugs at my heart strings as I struggle to embrace the new normal, for fear of losing the old memories of my Daddy. That same guilt threatens to keep me hunkered down for a long winter of sadness, for fear of somehow hurting my Daddy by moving on without him. However, his words resound in my heart and triumph over all: “When I am gone, don’t spend your days crying over me! Move on! Live your life and be happy. No wallowing in the mulligrubs

It’s easy to get in a rut, staying where we are comfortable, and when something as painful as death rocks our world, it’s even more difficult to branch out into something new and unfamiliar. However, I am finding that part of my healing process requires that I put myself out there, embrace the change and make new memories to help heal my hurting heart.

For me, the new normal is tattered with smiles and laughs as well as reminiscing and tears. Though guilt throws its nasty daggers at my heart, I refuse to let those daggers sink in, because reality is, my Daddy is very much a part of who I am! In order to honor his wishes for my own happiness, I must choose to make new memories.

Making new memories doesn’t mean erasing the old memories; it simply means that while I make these new memories, I carry my Daddy’s memories along for the ride. There may be tears, as I hike up to the top of a waterfall, or sink my toes in to the sand..  as I choose to make new memories, yet wish my Daddy were there to share them with me. However, like I said in my goodbye letter to my Daddy, those tears aren’t bad, they come from a heart overflowing with love. Those tears mean my Daddy made an impact on me in such a way that even when he’s not with me in person, his passion, his spirit and his love for adventure lives on in me every single day.

The “new normal” doesn’t have anything “normal” about it, it’s new and unfamiliar, yet I’m choosing to embrace it one moment at a time.

Amidst this ever-changing life, one thing is certain: God is forever faithful.

love satin 2015

 

 


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Better Than I Deserve

DSC_0219 better than i deserve500I met one of my friends in a cute local shop while browsing around.  She happens to be the owner, and the moment I met her, I fell in love with this vivacious and loving woman! Over the course of time, I’ve observed a few of her key phrases when interacting with others.  One phrase in particular really stands out to me. Whenever asked, how she’s doing, she always responds with, “Better than I deserve, thank you for asking!”

I’ve heard those words roll off her tongue a lot.  Words are powerful and being a word girl myself, I really take notice to how things are said and the context in which they are spoken.

The phrase, “Better than I Deserve”, makes me think of Job and how he lost everything, including his family, and yet he still worshiped God saying, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” {Job 1}

When Job was miserable with leprosy he still declared, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.” {Job 13:15}

As you know, losing my Daddy to his Final Destination has been deeply painful for me. My struggle to embrace the love and support of friends and family, as well as the realization that I can’t do this on my own, so need to reach out for help, has been a topic in this beloved space. Not wanting to burden others, yet not wanting to mask my pain has served as a challenging balancing act, to say the least. Yet still, if you ask me today, “how are you?” I would choose to respond with, “Better than I Deserve”, because the truth is… I really am better than I deserve.  The pain is deep, the tears still flow, my heart aches, and yet reality is, I am truly, madly, deeply loved and blessed by my Heavenly Father.

Amidst all this pain, I am seeing such beauty all around me. Beauty in the love and support from my amazing husband; his tenderness, compassion, and loving heart blows me away as he daily walks beside me. Beauty in the encouragement and kindness of my friends and family. Beauty in the growing unity among my siblings.  Beauty in the legacy my Daddy left within my own heart, being carried on every single day.

The verse my daddy used as his determining factor for not choosing medical treatment for his cancer, was 2 Samuel 24:14.  From this verse came his own words, “I would rather fall into the hands of God, than the hands of man”

By choosing the response, “Better than I Deserve”, I too am choosing to fall into the amazingly strong, yet loving hands of my Heavenly Father and allowing Him to envelop me with His grace; for it is more than sufficient for me, especially in my weakness. {2 Corinthians 12:9} I don’t need to “have it all together”, it’s okay for me to be a “wild mess of emotion” as I walk this painful journey! The key is  remembering that I am “Better than I Deserve”…

…and so are you!

love satin 2015

 


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Beautifully Broken

flowersI have no shortage of support, as I walk this journey of grief, yet my heart still feels lonely, as an emptiness abides deep within.

It’s been three months since my Daddy entered heaven’s gates, and not a single day has passed without me missing him something fierce.

The flowers stopped arriving at the house , the cards quit coming in the mail. People check in less frequently by phone, email and text.  Because after all, life does go on.  For me however, life will never be the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intentionally living my life just as passionately and purposefully as my Daddy wanted me to do, I’m just not the same person I was before he left.

The pain I feel inside my heart is so indescribably deeper than I ever imagined. The loneliness I feel in the middle of a crowded party, is astonishing to me. The waves of emptiness and sadness are all so foreign to the girl who’s always been viewed as “having it all together”, being the “hostess with the mostest” the “social butterfly”, or the goal setter and achiever. These days, I find more contentment by being alone, or in a small group and my goals are more short term and simplistic: Getting out of bed. Focusing while working. Getting through my list of “to do’s” and quitting at 5pm. Supporting my family and friends. Allowing myself to grieve.

I’m broken to the core and there’s nothing anyone but Jesus can do to heal that brokenness. However, one thing I’m realizing in all of this, is something so basic, yet something I’ve never learned to embrace.

I’ve spent my entire life doing for others: supporting, loving, encouraging and praying for friends and family, during their greatest time of need. One thing I’ve rarely needed though, is that same level of support, because until now, I’ve never experienced the level of grief I’m experiencing right now.

Three months ago I was still the girl trying to keep it all together, trying to be strong and focused on supporting those I love.  However, today, I’m the girl who is a wild mess of emotion, hurting at the core, and just trying to remember to breath in between sobs of pain. I’m the girl who loves so deeply, yet finds it difficult to allow myself to be loved back. I’m the girl who gives without reservation, yet finds it difficult to accept anything from anyone else. I’m the girl who strongly encourages others to share so I can support and love them through their pain, yet doesn’t want to burden others with my own pain, so shells it up inside.

For where two or three gather together because they are mine,
I will be right there among them.

Matthew 18:20

Today, this verse means something new to me, as I realize that Jesus isn’t talking about two whole & unbroken people coming to Him… He means that if just one other person comes alongside me and we agree in prayer together, He meets us in that place of brokenness. This sets me free to be beautifully broken before my family and friends and to allow myself to need them, to reach out to them and to be comforted and loved through this painful time in my journey.

Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results can be much better.
If one falls, the other pulls him up; but if a man falls when he is alone, he’s in trouble.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I find much comfort in these two scripture verses, as I am learning the beauty in reaching out to those who love me, and choosing to embrace their love and support. Not only does it help heal my hurting heart, but it also gives them the opportunity to be wanted, needed, appreciated and valued as well as giving them a place to use their gifts to bless someone in need {beautifully broken me}.

My heart is so very grateful for the love and support God has brought into my life “for such a time as this”.  Thank you for your love, support, prayers, encouragement, time, listening ear and generous hearts… You’re a blessing to my aching heart. ♥

love satin 2015


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Butterfly Wings

Fathers Day 2016

Today marks the first Father’s Day without my Daddy. Simply writing those words brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. My heart aches to have him here, yet knows he’s in a better place, it just doesn’t make me miss him any less.

They say to have loved and lost is better than to not have loved at all, so I accept the beautiful truth in those words, and am grateful to have loved and been loved by my amazing Daddy for 37 years.

Since my Daddy passed, I have fallen in love with an insect that was always his favorite:

~The Butterfly~
butterfly

The butterfly’s long journey in the cocoon, their painful process of becoming a butterfly, and then their ultimate accomplishment in spreading their wings and flying, is something to behold.  They have such grace, beauty, and bring such joy and happiness to anyone who sees them.

I have much to say about all that I am learning regarding the metaphor of the butterfly and our spiritual re birthing, but I’m saving that for another post.

Today, I want to want to honor my Daddy and all he is to me today and always.

Today, I proudly wear a butterfly in my hair, accompanied by a white flower, as a tribute to the first man I loved, who now has been given his wings & who’s presence is felt flying around me, like that of a butterfly.

In my Mother’s words, he was “Bigger than Life” and like a butterfly, he could enter a room and bring with him smiles, joy and laughter.

I miss his presence, his hugs, his laughter and that sparkle in his eyes, when he would smile with pride and affection.

He will forever be with me, his words echoing in my heart. I thank God for gifting me with a Daddy who loved God and taught me to love Him just as much!

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Enjoy your first Father’s Day with Our Heavenly Father.  I miss you and love you!

love satin 2015