My Heart, His Words

Let the Words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your site, O Lord.

God gave me you


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Finding The New Normal

God gave me you
{Mom and me}
We’re sitting across the table, eating dinner, enjoying a delicious meal accompanied with chatter, laughter, and even a few tears.

We talk about life, our days now, and then it turns to reminiscing on our life together with my Daddy, so consequently we shed some tears, because the truth is, we both miss him terribly. Yet we’re sitting at a new restaurant, trying new food and making new memories together, doing our best to embrace the “new normal”

What does the new normal look like after losing someone you love? I’m learning the answer to this, one day at a time, but from my perspective, the new normal is simply choosing to make new memories… even though it’s painful to do so, without the person you love and lost.

Guilt tugs at my heart strings as I struggle to embrace the new normal, for fear of losing the old memories of my Daddy. That same guilt threatens to keep me hunkered down for a long winter of sadness, for fear of somehow hurting my Daddy by moving on without him. However, his words resound in my heart and triumph over all: “When I am gone, don’t spend your days crying over me! Move on! Live your life and be happy. No wallowing in the mulligrubs

It’s easy to get in a rut, staying where we are comfortable, and when something as painful as death rocks our world, it’s even more difficult to branch out into something new and unfamiliar. However, I am finding that part of my healing process requires that I put myself out there, embrace the change and make new memories to help heal my hurting heart.

For me, the new normal is tattered with smiles and laughs as well as reminiscing and tears. Though guilt throws its nasty daggers at my heart, I refuse to let those daggers sink in, because reality is, my Daddy is very much a part of who I am! In order to honor his wishes for my own happiness, I must choose to make new memories.

Making new memories doesn’t mean erasing the old memories; it simply means that while I make these new memories, I carry my Daddy’s memories along for the ride. There may be tears, as I hike up to the top of a waterfall, or sink my toes in to the sand..  as I choose to make new memories, yet wish my Daddy were there to share them with me. However, like I said in my goodbye letter to my Daddy, those tears aren’t bad, they come from a heart overflowing with love. Those tears mean my Daddy made an impact on me in such a way that even when he’s not with me in person, his passion, his spirit and his love for adventure lives on in me every single day.

The “new normal” doesn’t have anything “normal” about it, it’s new and unfamiliar, yet I’m choosing to embrace it one moment at a time.

Amidst this ever-changing life, one thing is certain: God is forever faithful.

love satin 2015

 

 


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Better Than I Deserve

DSC_0219 better than i deserve500I met one of my friends in a cute local shop while browsing around.  She happens to be the owner, and the moment I met her, I fell in love with this vivacious and loving woman! Over the course of time, I’ve observed a few of her key phrases when interacting with others.  One phrase in particular really stands out to me. Whenever asked, how she’s doing, she always responds with, “Better than I deserve, thank you for asking!”

I’ve heard those words roll off her tongue a lot.  Words are powerful and being a word girl myself, I really take notice to how things are said and the context in which they are spoken.

The phrase, “Better than I Deserve”, makes me think of Job and how he lost everything, including his family, and yet he still worshiped God saying, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” {Job 1}

When Job was miserable with leprosy he still declared, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.” {Job 13:15}

As you know, losing my Daddy to his Final Destination has been deeply painful for me. My struggle to embrace the love and support of friends and family, as well as the realization that I can’t do this on my own, so need to reach out for help, has been a topic in this beloved space. Not wanting to burden others, yet not wanting to mask my pain has served as a challenging balancing act, to say the least. Yet still, if you ask me today, “how are you?” I would choose to respond with, “Better than I Deserve”, because the truth is… I really am better than I deserve.  The pain is deep, the tears still flow, my heart aches, and yet reality is, I am truly, madly, deeply loved and blessed by my Heavenly Father.

Amidst all this pain, I am seeing such beauty all around me. Beauty in the love and support from my amazing husband; his tenderness, compassion, and loving heart blows me away as he daily walks beside me. Beauty in the encouragement and kindness of my friends and family. Beauty in the growing unity among my siblings.  Beauty in the legacy my Daddy left within my own heart, being carried on every single day.

The verse my daddy used as his determining factor for not choosing medical treatment for his cancer, was 2 Samuel 24:14.  From this verse came his own words, “I would rather fall into the hands of God, than the hands of man”

By choosing the response, “Better than I Deserve”, I too am choosing to fall into the amazingly strong, yet loving hands of my Heavenly Father and allowing Him to envelop me with His grace; for it is more than sufficient for me, especially in my weakness. {2 Corinthians 12:9} I don’t need to “have it all together”, it’s okay for me to be a “wild mess of emotion” as I walk this painful journey! The key is  remembering that I am “Better than I Deserve”…

…and so are you!

love satin 2015

 


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Beautifully Broken

flowersI have no shortage of support, as I walk this journey of grief, yet my heart still feels lonely, as an emptiness abides deep within.

It’s been three months since my Daddy entered heaven’s gates, and not a single day has passed without me missing him something fierce.

The flowers stopped arriving at the house , the cards quit coming in the mail. People check in less frequently by phone, email and text.  Because after all, life does go on.  For me however, life will never be the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intentionally living my life just as passionately and purposefully as my Daddy wanted me to do, I’m just not the same person I was before he left.

The pain I feel inside my heart is so indescribably deeper than I ever imagined. The loneliness I feel in the middle of a crowded party, is astonishing to me. The waves of emptiness and sadness are all so foreign to the girl who’s always been viewed as “having it all together”, being the “hostess with the mostest” the “social butterfly”, or the goal setter and achiever. These days, I find more contentment by being alone, or in a small group and my goals are more short term and simplistic: Getting out of bed. Focusing while working. Getting through my list of “to do’s” and quitting at 5pm. Supporting my family and friends. Allowing myself to grieve.

I’m broken to the core and there’s nothing anyone but Jesus can do to heal that brokenness. However, one thing I’m realizing in all of this, is something so basic, yet something I’ve never learned to embrace.

I’ve spent my entire life doing for others: supporting, loving, encouraging and praying for friends and family, during their greatest time of need. One thing I’ve rarely needed though, is that same level of support, because until now, I’ve never experienced the level of grief I’m experiencing right now.

Three months ago I was still the girl trying to keep it all together, trying to be strong and focused on supporting those I love.  However, today, I’m the girl who is a wild mess of emotion, hurting at the core, and just trying to remember to breath in between sobs of pain. I’m the girl who loves so deeply, yet finds it difficult to allow myself to be loved back. I’m the girl who gives without reservation, yet finds it difficult to accept anything from anyone else. I’m the girl who strongly encourages others to share so I can support and love them through their pain, yet doesn’t want to burden others with my own pain, so shells it up inside.

For where two or three gather together because they are mine,
I will be right there among them.

Matthew 18:20

Today, this verse means something new to me, as I realize that Jesus isn’t talking about two whole & unbroken people coming to Him… He means that if just one other person comes alongside me and we agree in prayer together, He meets us in that place of brokenness. This sets me free to be beautifully broken before my family and friends and to allow myself to need them, to reach out to them and to be comforted and loved through this painful time in my journey.

Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results can be much better.
If one falls, the other pulls him up; but if a man falls when he is alone, he’s in trouble.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I find much comfort in these two scripture verses, as I am learning the beauty in reaching out to those who love me, and choosing to embrace their love and support. Not only does it help heal my hurting heart, but it also gives them the opportunity to be wanted, needed, appreciated and valued as well as giving them a place to use their gifts to bless someone in need {beautifully broken me}.

My heart is so very grateful for the love and support God has brought into my life “for such a time as this”.  Thank you for your love, support, prayers, encouragement, time, listening ear and generous hearts… You’re a blessing to my aching heart. ♥

love satin 2015


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Butterfly Wings

Fathers Day 2016

Today marks the first Father’s Day without my Daddy. Simply writing those words brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. My heart aches to have him here, yet knows he’s in a better place, it just doesn’t make me miss him any less.

They say to have loved and lost is better than to not have loved at all, so I accept the beautiful truth in those words, and am grateful to have loved and been loved by my amazing Daddy for 37 years.

Since my Daddy passed, I have fallen in love with an insect that was always his favorite:

~The Butterfly~
butterfly

The butterfly’s long journey in the cocoon, their painful process of becoming a butterfly, and then their ultimate accomplishment in spreading their wings and flying, is something to behold.  They have such grace, beauty, and bring such joy and happiness to anyone who sees them.

I have much to say about all that I am learning regarding the metaphor of the butterfly and our spiritual re birthing, but I’m saving that for another post.

Today, I want to want to honor my Daddy and all he is to me today and always.

Today, I proudly wear a butterfly in my hair, accompanied by a white flower, as a tribute to the first man I loved, who now has been given his wings & who’s presence is felt flying around me, like that of a butterfly.

In my Mother’s words, he was “Bigger than Life” and like a butterfly, he could enter a room and bring with him smiles, joy and laughter.

I miss his presence, his hugs, his laughter and that sparkle in his eyes, when he would smile with pride and affection.

He will forever be with me, his words echoing in my heart. I thank God for gifting me with a Daddy who loved God and taught me to love Him just as much!

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Enjoy your first Father’s Day with Our Heavenly Father.  I miss you and love you!

love satin 2015


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Daddy, Goodbye…

Yesterday, April, 11, 2016, my Daddy entered Heavens gates! While my heart misses him already and aches for him to hold me in his arms and reassure me everything is going to be okay, God has blessed me with an incredible husband who has stepped into that role beautifully and graciously. God knew what He was doing when he brought Tyler into my life and for that I am truly grateful.

Below is a letter I wrote and then read to my Daddy back in January, because I had no idea when my goodbye would be the last, and wanted to make sure he knew exactly how I felt about him… It was a beautiful moment as I read it; we cried together, he kissed me, hugged me and reassured me of his love and pride for me.

***

January 16, 2016

Daddy,

Not very many people ever get a chance to say everything they want to say to the ones they love the most. Consumed by bitterness or anger they miss the opportunity to mend the broken, before it’s too late. I have none of those things in my heart towards you, so I get to sit here and enjoy the peace that passes all understanding, and savor each moment with you. I am truly blessed.

On that note, instead of trying to stumble through the random words that are on my heart, I wanted to organize them and put them to paper. I have a lot to say, so please bear with me as I process my heart and bear my soul to you in an effort to ensure that I don’t miss the opportunity to tell you exactly what is on my heart.

Holy tears!!! There will always be tears from this daughter of yours! Ha Ha!  My sensitive heart became apparent to you at the age of 2, when I cried while singing “Jesus Loves Me”!  That tenderness remains, even now, at the age of 37. So please, when you see me cry, don’t feel bad, don’t feel guilty and don’t feel as if it’s your fault! This daughter cries because her heart is so full of LOVE that sometimes it overflows into tears.

Daddy, I need you to hear my heart and to listen to my words. I need for you to let go of the past and embrace today. Stop holding on to the regret of past mistakes and embrace Jesus’ forgiveness, redemption and healing in our relationship. What we have today wouldn’t be what it is, had we never experienced the heart break and pain from our past. How could we appreciate the beauty of our relationship today, if we had never experienced the pain? Please, let go and be at peace; your past is under the blood of Jesus and I have left it there as well.

I know you don’t want to leave us. I know how much you agonize over saying goodbye that final time. I know how it pains you to see us cry, but please, PLEASE hear me when I say, our tears here will be replaced by tears of joy one day, when we all are reunited in the presence of Jesus; free of pain, free of suffering and free of sin.

This life we live on earth, is only a chapter;
for our real life begins when our life here on earth ends.

I know you have wrestled with knowing about your cancer and at times wished you didn’t know. But as for me, I am truly grateful. I am grateful because I have watched how God has used it in our family to bring healing.  To teach us quick forgiveness, over anger and bitterness, and unity in difficult times. Most of all, I see the growth in each of us spiritually as we learn to embrace the frailty of life and just how short it really is in the vastness of eternity! Learning to see things through the eyes of Jesus, rather than our own. Learning to cling to Him for comfort and peace. Trusting him to provide for all our needs and watching Him keep every promise He makes.

Walking beside you and Mom through all of this has been a gift to me that I’ll never regret nor forget. So, thank you for allowing me to share this time with you and for not selfishly walking it alone.

Daddy, you are one of the absolute strongest men I know. You’re the first man to love me, hold me, hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, comfort me, teach me about Jesus and instruct me in His ways. You’re the first man to care enough to speak the truth, even when it hurt, to protect me when it felt like you were hurting me, and to push me when I felt like giving up. You raised me to be an independent thinker, to question everything, to embrace heartache with my eyes on Jesus and to stay open to His leading. You taught me forgiveness and love, strength and humility, vision and trust in Jesus. You taught me all of this, not so much as with your words, but in your actions. When you fell, you got on your knees and allowed Jesus to pick you back up. When you didn’t know the answer, you asked and He gave you truth.

Don’t you get it? I have no regret! I only have pride in you for allowing Jesus to work in your life the way He has and to mold you into the amazing man you are today.

Now for the hard part…

I don’t want to say goodbye… ever. The thought of losing you and Mom has always terrified me. But its reality and being a realist I’ve known the day would come… I just don’t think I’ll ever be ready for it. Ever.

However, I want you to know that while I’ll never be ready to lose you here on earth, there is nothing that motivates me more to be the woman God wants me to be, than knowing that one day, I’ll run through Heaven’s gates and into the arms of all my parents: Jesus, you and Mom.

So while I will lose you here on earth, I truly look forward to spending eternity with you at Home. So please leave the light on & make sure my cloud car is faster than yours!! {ha ha}

I promise you, that I will take care of Mom just as if it were you caring for her yourself. As God provides, I will make sure she has everything she needs and more. I will love her, protect her, fight for her, pray for her, support her and care for her just as you have so faithfully done.

Daddy, we will be not only okay, but we will be good, because God is good! Our hearts will forever have an emptiness for you, yet your legacy will live on in us. We will mourn for a season, then rejoice again at all God does through your legacy as we continue to carry out His will in our lives.

So please don’t be afraid to leave us. As difficult as it is for us to let you go, we are confident that you are in the best of Hands and we too will be held in those same Hands. So in essence, you will still always be with us.

Daddy, when Jesus calls you home, run along, I’ll be home soon.

I love you with all my heart!

Always and proudly your daughter,

Satin Sharee Klitzke Pelfrey

love satin 2015

daddy & satin


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Through The Pain

daddy & satin

Death is an ugly and painful reality, isn’t it? I’ve lost friends and family to death, and have ached for those who have lost the same.

As you know, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer April 3, 2012. That day, our family began changing; in hindsight, it’s all been a blessing in disguise, as we have chosen to take a closer look at our relationships and embrace each one with sincerity, love and forgiveness.

We are approaching the four year mark since my Dad’s diagnosis and the past five months have brought an unfortunate decline in his health which has been incredibly difficult to watch; no one deserves to suffer, so we are praying that God will be merciful and spare him the worst of it.

I recently had a friend reach out saying although she knows God is good, she just can’t wrap her mind around the “why” behind the loss of someone you love.

I got to thinking about this and wanted to share my heart here…

Watching my father battle cancer the past 4 years, has been incredibly eye opening in many areas, but specifically to death. While I am experiencing the absolute deepest pain of my life, I also have grown tremendously as a result of the pain.

I am a firm believer that as humans we tend to have preconceived notions as to how life should be, especially when it comes to the timing of someone’s death. However, I am clinging to the verse that God numbers our days, not man.

A person’s days are determined;
you have decreed the number of his months
and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5 NIV

To us, it feels as if our loved one(s) were taken too soon, but God knows every hair on our head and every breath we will take before we are ever born. (Psalm 139)

I believe that it is God’s immense LOVE that gifts us with people for however long the season may be; whether long or short. We all have a purpose and that purpose is to draw closer to God and to point others closer to Him.  However God asks us to do this is what makes us uniquely US and when He deems our work is done, He calls us home to be with Him.

Walking this journey with my parents, while as painful as it is, shows me the incredible amount of God’s goodness and faithfulness. The healing and restoration God has brought to my relationship with my Dad is such a beautiful miracle. I am so immensely grateful that these last years get to be among some of our best years together; patched together with endless memories of my childhood years with him.

I am so grateful for the legacy my Dad is leaving behind; the strong woman he taught me to be and for the Godly character he exhibited in his own life. Perfection? No, but Godly character and true repentance day in and day out? Absolutely! Those are two of the most valuable things to me and should be for every believer.

Death is painful, yet it is not final, so I choose to cling to the life we have now as well as the life we are promised for eternity, as believers in Christ, laying aside this short window of painful loss to focus on the bigger and brighter picture.

In no way am I diminishing your pain, my pain or anyone’s pain, only sharing how I am personally walking through this very thing right here and now.

“Through the pain, still I will trust you, Jesus.”

love satin 2015

 

Obedience


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A Call To Obey

I know it’s been awhile, friends, but I am exactly where God wants me to be, and thus the reason my pen has been laid down “for such a time as this”.

I am currently sitting at my work desk with tears streaming down my face because of God’s unfailing love and provision.

When I chose to walk in obedience and quit my job, not knowing when I would collect a paycheck, I had absolutely no idea where it would take me and my family. I chose to obey anyway.

Recently, my husband and I were faced with a huge decision. Our business has grown so much that we are at a crossroads again. Without going into details here, we linked our hands together and prayed. We laid everything at His feet and begged for clarity, open doors from Him and closed doors where He doesn’t want us, as well as peace and provision through it all. There were many tears as we released our fears into His hands and clung to each other not knowing what the future holds, yet knowing the One who holds our future.

That was only a month ago and here we are seeing open doors like never before. He has placed people in our lives who love and respect us so much, that they are helping us in ways we never could dream of asking  It is unbeknownst to us as to why; the only explanation I can come up with is the favor of God is upon us.

I start to say, “we don’t deserve any of this”, when the Holy Spirit prompts me with: “This isn’t about what you deserve, it’s about obedience. You obey: I bless.” It really is that simple, friend.

The other day my precious friend Holley wrote a beautiful post about “The Real Secret of Success” that spoke so deeply to my husband and I, that it felt as if God had given her those words specifically for us, again, “for such a time as this”.

Obedience

I remember as a child writing 1 Samuel 15:22 “Obedience is better than sacrifice”, yet not fully understanding what exactly it meant. Now I do. Oh how I understand that verse in a whole new way!

You see, I could have continued working my full-time job, collecting the paycheck that made me feel falsely secure, while trying to run and grow our business “on the side”. But that would have meant I was choosing a sacrifice instead of obedience, because God asked me to trust Him and obey, not hold on and wait until it felt safe.

As a result of my obedience, I have watched God bless us in ways I never dreamed. Truly. The number of people who surround us today, supporting, praying for and cheering us on is astounding. The sales God has blessed us with as a result of my obedience and focus on the task at hand, is mind blowing.

I chose to obey then and I’m choosing to obey now. He continues to bless, and for this, I am immensely and forever grateful.

In Obedience,

love satin 2015

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