My Heart, His Words

Let the Words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your site, O Lord.


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Better Than I Deserve

DSC_0219 better than i deserve500I met one of my friends in a cute local shop while browsing around.  She happens to be the owner, and the moment I met her, I fell in love with this vivacious and loving woman! Over the course of time, I’ve observed a few of her key phrases when interacting with others.  One phrase in particular really stands out to me. Whenever asked, how she’s doing, she always responds with, “Better than I deserve, thank you for asking!”

I’ve heard those words roll off her tongue a lot.  Words are powerful and being a word girl myself, I really take notice to how things are said and the context in which they are spoken.

The phrase, “Better than I Deserve”, makes me think of Job and how he lost everything, including his family, and yet he still worshiped God saying, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” {Job 1}

When Job was miserable with leprosy he still declared, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.” {Job 13:15}

As you know, losing my Daddy to his Final Destination has been deeply painful for me. My struggle to embrace the love and support of friends and family, as well as the realization that I can’t do this on my own, so need to reach out for help, has been a topic in this beloved space. Not wanting to burden others, yet not wanting to mask my pain has served as a challenging balancing act, to say the least. Yet still, if you ask me today, “how are you?” I would choose to respond with, “Better than I Deserve”, because the truth is… I really am better than I deserve.  The pain is deep, the tears still flow, my heart aches, and yet reality is, I am truly, madly, deeply loved and blessed by my Heavenly Father.

Amidst all this pain, I am seeing such beauty all around me. Beauty in the love and support from my amazing husband; his tenderness, compassion, and loving heart blows me away as he daily walks beside me. Beauty in the encouragement and kindness of my friends and family. Beauty in the growing unity among my siblings.  Beauty in the legacy my Daddy left within my own heart, being carried on every single day.

The verse my daddy used as his determining factor for not choosing medical treatment for his cancer, was 2 Samuel 24:14.  From this verse came his own words, “I would rather fall into the hands of God, than the hands of man”

By choosing the response, “Better than I Deserve”, I too am choosing to fall into the amazingly strong, yet loving hands of my Heavenly Father and allowing Him to envelop me with His grace; for it is more than sufficient for me, especially in my weakness. {2 Corinthians 12:9} I don’t need to “have it all together”, it’s okay for me to be a “wild mess of emotion” as I walk this painful journey! The key is  remembering that I am “Better than I Deserve”…

…and so are you!

love satin 2015

 


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Beautifully Broken

flowersI have no shortage of support, as I walk this journey of grief, yet my heart still feels lonely, as an emptiness abides deep within.

It’s been three months since my Daddy entered heaven’s gates, and not a single day has passed without me missing him something fierce.

The flowers stopped arriving at the house , the cards quit coming in the mail. People check in less frequently by phone, email and text.  Because after all, life does go on.  For me however, life will never be the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intentionally living my life just as passionately and purposefully as my Daddy wanted me to do, I’m just not the same person I was before he left.

The pain I feel inside my heart is so indescribably deeper than I ever imagined. The loneliness I feel in the middle of a crowded party, is astonishing to me. The waves of emptiness and sadness are all so foreign to the girl who’s always been viewed as “having it all together”, being the “hostess with the mostest” the “social butterfly”, or the goal setter and achiever. These days, I find more contentment by being alone, or in a small group and my goals are more short term and simplistic: Getting out of bed. Focusing while working. Getting through my list of “to do’s” and quitting at 5pm. Supporting my family and friends. Allowing myself to grieve.

I’m broken to the core and there’s nothing anyone but Jesus can do to heal that brokenness. However, one thing I’m realizing in all of this, is something so basic, yet something I’ve never learned to embrace.

I’ve spent my entire life doing for others: supporting, loving, encouraging and praying for friends and family, during their greatest time of need. One thing I’ve rarely needed though, is that same level of support, because until now, I’ve never experienced the level of grief I’m experiencing right now.

Three months ago I was still the girl trying to keep it all together, trying to be strong and focused on supporting those I love.  However, today, I’m the girl who is a wild mess of emotion, hurting at the core, and just trying to remember to breath in between sobs of pain. I’m the girl who loves so deeply, yet finds it difficult to allow myself to be loved back. I’m the girl who gives without reservation, yet finds it difficult to accept anything from anyone else. I’m the girl who strongly encourages others to share so I can support and love them through their pain, yet doesn’t want to burden others with my own pain, so shells it up inside.

For where two or three gather together because they are mine,
I will be right there among them.

Matthew 18:20

Today, this verse means something new to me, as I realize that Jesus isn’t talking about two whole & unbroken people coming to Him… He means that if just one other person comes alongside me and we agree in prayer together, He meets us in that place of brokenness. This sets me free to be beautifully broken before my family and friends and to allow myself to need them, to reach out to them and to be comforted and loved through this painful time in my journey.

Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results can be much better.
If one falls, the other pulls him up; but if a man falls when he is alone, he’s in trouble.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I find much comfort in these two scripture verses, as I am learning the beauty in reaching out to those who love me, and choosing to embrace their love and support. Not only does it help heal my hurting heart, but it also gives them the opportunity to be wanted, needed, appreciated and valued as well as giving them a place to use their gifts to bless someone in need {beautifully broken me}.

My heart is so very grateful for the love and support God has brought into my life “for such a time as this”.  Thank you for your love, support, prayers, encouragement, time, listening ear and generous hearts… You’re a blessing to my aching heart. ♥

love satin 2015