My Heart, His Words

Let the Words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your site, O Lord.


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Go On Without Me

bigger than life-daddyToday is a rough day for me, as it would have been my Daddy’s 74th birthday, yet he’s celebrating his first birthday in Heaven, without me.

I’m a bundle of emotion as I think about his life; the good, the bad and the indifferent.

There’s a song by Bret Eldredge titled, “Go On Without Me” and the first time I heard it on the radio, I bawled my eyes out (and still do). The words hit home because it was as if my Daddy were singing them to me himself. I realize he wants me to go on without him, yet my heart hurts in doing so…

I cannot candy coat it for you or I would be flat out lying. The past four months have been living hell for me as I discover how lost I really feel without my Daddy here to share this life with me.  Truth is, I never imagined missing him this much, and yet I do. It’s amazing how little we realize the depth of our love for someone until they’re gone. I won’t go as far as to say that I took him for granted, because I was blessed with many intimate conversations with him and took every opportunity I had to share how much I love and respect him. However, there’s part of me that never gave him full credit for the impact he made on my heart and life, nor did I fully grasp just how much he meant to me, until now.

All of me aches for his strong hugs, the twinkle in his eyes when he laughed, the sound of him walking beside me, his voice & the passion in it when he was really driving a point home. Part of me is angry he left me here to live this life without him; as if he even had the choice to do so. Yet all of me knows he didn’t want to leave us, he told me that! However, he was confident we would be held in the best hands of our Father, so he left us for Heaven.

On my Daddy’s birthday, I wish I had some profound truth to share, some statement of passion to honor his life and make him proud, or even news of my personal growth during my journey of grief. However, honestly, all I have are tears from a broken heart missing her Daddy something fierce and longing for more time with him. I am told that time will heal this broken heart of mine, yet I’m starting to question whether it will ever hurt any less because simply said: he made a lasting impression on this daughter’s heart and the love I have for him runs deep into my core.  He will always be my Daddy and I will always be his little girl; for that I am immensely grateful.

So for now I shed many tears as I remember my Daddy with pride.  Today I honor the man who taught me what love looked like this side of Heaven. Today I smile as I think about his first birthday in our Father’s presence… it’s sure to be the best birthday ever for him… and one day I’ll get to celebrate alongside him again…

I miss you, Daddy; Happiest of Birthdays to you!

love satin 2015

 


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Finding The New Normal

God gave me you
{Mom and me}
We’re sitting across the table, eating dinner, enjoying a delicious meal accompanied with chatter, laughter, and even a few tears.

We talk about life, our days now, and then it turns to reminiscing on our life together with my Daddy, so consequently we shed some tears, because the truth is, we both miss him terribly. Yet we’re sitting at a new restaurant, trying new food and making new memories together, doing our best to embrace the “new normal”

What does the new normal look like after losing someone you love? I’m learning the answer to this, one day at a time, but from my perspective, the new normal is simply choosing to make new memories… even though it’s painful to do so, without the person you love and lost.

Guilt tugs at my heart strings as I struggle to embrace the new normal, for fear of losing the old memories of my Daddy. That same guilt threatens to keep me hunkered down for a long winter of sadness, for fear of somehow hurting my Daddy by moving on without him. However, his words resound in my heart and triumph over all: “When I am gone, don’t spend your days crying over me! Move on! Live your life and be happy. No wallowing in the mulligrubs

It’s easy to get in a rut, staying where we are comfortable, and when something as painful as death rocks our world, it’s even more difficult to branch out into something new and unfamiliar. However, I am finding that part of my healing process requires that I put myself out there, embrace the change and make new memories to help heal my hurting heart.

For me, the new normal is tattered with smiles and laughs as well as reminiscing and tears. Though guilt throws its nasty daggers at my heart, I refuse to let those daggers sink in, because reality is, my Daddy is very much a part of who I am! In order to honor his wishes for my own happiness, I must choose to make new memories.

Making new memories doesn’t mean erasing the old memories; it simply means that while I make these new memories, I carry my Daddy’s memories along for the ride. There may be tears, as I hike up to the top of a waterfall, or sink my toes in to the sand..  as I choose to make new memories, yet wish my Daddy were there to share them with me. However, like I said in my goodbye letter to my Daddy, those tears aren’t bad, they come from a heart overflowing with love. Those tears mean my Daddy made an impact on me in such a way that even when he’s not with me in person, his passion, his spirit and his love for adventure lives on in me every single day.

The “new normal” doesn’t have anything “normal” about it, it’s new and unfamiliar, yet I’m choosing to embrace it one moment at a time.

Amidst this ever-changing life, one thing is certain: God is forever faithful.

love satin 2015