Today is a rough day for me, as it would have been my Daddy’s 74th birthday, yet he’s celebrating his first birthday in Heaven, without me.
I’m a bundle of emotion as I think about his life; the good, the bad and the indifferent.
There’s a song by Bret Eldredge titled, “Go On Without Me” and the first time I heard it on the radio, I bawled my eyes out (and still do). The words hit home because it was as if my Daddy were singing them to me himself. I realize he wants me to go on without him, yet my heart hurts in doing so…
I cannot candy coat it for you or I would be flat out lying. The past four months have been living hell for me as I discover how lost I really feel without my Daddy here to share this life with me. Truth is, I never imagined missing him this much, and yet I do. It’s amazing how little we realize the depth of our love for someone until they’re gone. I won’t go as far as to say that I took him for granted, because I was blessed with many intimate conversations with him and took every opportunity I had to share how much I love and respect him. However, there’s part of me that never gave him full credit for the impact he made on my heart and life, nor did I fully grasp just how much he meant to me, until now.
All of me aches for his strong hugs, the twinkle in his eyes when he laughed, the sound of him walking beside me, his voice & the passion in it when he was really driving a point home. Part of me is angry he left me here to live this life without him; as if he even had the choice to do so. Yet all of me knows he didn’t want to leave us, he told me that! However, he was confident we would be held in the best hands of our Father, so he left us for Heaven.
On my Daddy’s birthday, I wish I had some profound truth to share, some statement of passion to honor his life and make him proud, or even news of my personal growth during my journey of grief. However, honestly, all I have are tears from a broken heart missing her Daddy something fierce and longing for more time with him. I am told that time will heal this broken heart of mine, yet I’m starting to question whether it will ever hurt any less because simply said: he made a lasting impression on this daughter’s heart and the love I have for him runs deep into my core. He will always be my Daddy and I will always be his little girl; for that I am immensely grateful.
So for now I shed many tears as I remember my Daddy with pride. Today I honor the man who taught me what love looked like this side of Heaven. Today I smile as I think about his first birthday in our Father’s presence… it’s sure to be the best birthday ever for him… and one day I’ll get to celebrate alongside him again…
I miss you, Daddy; Happiest of Birthdays to you!